


Burn Your Wicked Garden Down

by roane



Series: Requiem for a Monster [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Captivity, Choking, Cutting, Dom/sub, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Hate Sex, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Interrogation, Knifeplay, Light Bondage, Mind Games, POV Rey, Submissive Kylo Ren, Unhealthy Relationships, this can't end well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-05-14 10:05:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5739541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roane/pseuds/roane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was by accident that she captured him at all. Accident, or maybe fate. Ever since their first meeting on Takodana years ago, they'd circled each other like binary stars, paths crossing at increasingly smaller intervals as their orbit slowly decayed. </p><p>There was bound to be the moment that they collided.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Going Under

It was by accident that she captured him at all. Accident, or maybe fate. Ever since their first meeting on Takodana years ago, they'd circled each other like binary stars, paths crossing at increasingly smaller intervals as their orbit slowly decayed. 

There was bound to be the moment that they collided.

Rey was in one of the seedier corners of Coruscant's entertainment district to meet with another AWOL First Order stormtrooper. They were deserting at greater and greater numbers these days, thanks to Finn's role as the new face of the Resistance. It was a standard practice now—meet with them, give them a new identity, give them a rendezvous with someone who could ease them into galactic society.

Before her contact arrived, though, she spotted him. Without his mask and robes, he could pass unknown through a crowd, but Rey still saw that face in her nightmares sometimes, taunting her with what he could do. He sat alone at the dirty bar, head down over a drink. If he hadn't lifted his head to speak to the bartender, she might have missed him, but that profile—unmistakable.

The music was loud enough to cover her approach. Three steps away from him she pulled out her blaster and pressed the muzzle into his back. "Kylo Ren. Drowning your sorrows or suppressing your guilt?" He started to move and she shoved the muzzle harder. "Uh-uh. Not until I tell you. The General wants you alive, but she understands that sometimes things happen."

"Scavenger." His voice was low with contempt, but she could sense the fear and resignation from him, and an undercurrent of something else, something she didn't look at closely. "Of course you'd be in a dive like this."

She had to get him out of there before the former stormtrooper arrived. "Let's go." Rey tossed a handful of credits onto the bar and took him by the arm with her free hand.

He came without a fight, setting her internal alarms off. There must be guards with him, out of sight, surely. As they moved through the crowd, she scanned left and right, waiting for the ambush. It never came.

Once outside in the packed street, she took the chance of putting a pair of binders on him. No one looked too close at each other out here, too much a chance of giving offense and winding up dead. "I expected more fight from you than this," she murmured. The blaster she kept low, counting on the press of the crowd to keep it hidden.

"I save my efforts until the time is right." The arrogant angle of his chin made her want to hit him. The crowd was too close, and kept jostling her against him. It was like stumbling into a wall. A big, arrogant wall that deserved a good punch.

Her ship, a small, battered anonymous freighter, was nearby. She shoved him up the ramp, taking a little pleasure in seeing him stumble finally, his long legs struggling to keep him balanced. The cargo area was small and rudimentary, nothing more than empty floor space with a few hooks hanging along the walls and ceiling for extra storage. Rey lowered one of the hooks and attached his binders to it, then hauled them back up so he was stretched nearly onto his toes. He could, if he wanted, lean a little on the wall behind him, but not much. 

"You're enjoying this," he said, as she fastened his feet as well.

Rey looked up at him, all the way up, then rose to her feet. "Not quite the way you imagined I'd kneel at your feet, I suppose, but nothing ever is, is it?"

"Skywalker has been teaching you how to conceal your thoughts, but I can still see you." He smiled a little secret smile—smiled!—and she felt it then, the tug of someone trying to get past her mental defenses. "Still the lonely lost girl, only now you have to pretend you aren't."

"Shut up." She shoved him out of her head and went to prepare for takeoff.

Unfortunately, taking off in the freighter was something she could do in her sleep, so there was nothing to distract her. She should contact the base and let them know what she'd done. When she missed the rendezvous with her contact, they'd worry. And she needed to tell them who she was bringing back. Not that she'd take him straight to their home base. She'd not take the chance of leading a tail back.

Rey set the course and turned on the autopilot. She could stay in the cockpit. She _should_ stay in the cockpit. Even at this distance, she could feel him still nudging around in her head, testing her defenses. How long before he tried to order her to release him?

She didn't stay in the cockpit.

Maybe it was curiosity that drove her back to the cargo hold. Maybe she wanted to gloat, just a little. 

He was hanging where she left him, his head dropped back and his eyes closed.

"Comfortable?"

"Not really." He tilted his head up and opened his eyes. "You could let me down. I can't go anywhere, it's too cold outside."

She considered him. Were his shoulders aching yet? His back? Maybe if she lifted him a little higher...

"You want to make me hurt. Maybe we aren't so different after all."

 _Damn_. That left her with no choice. She loosened the tension on the hook holding him up, easing the strain until his shoulders could lower. "I'm nothing like you," she said.

He laughed at her, a low insinuating sound that she felt as much as heard. "You're right. I don't waste time trying to hide from what I want."

"No, we've all seen what you want, murderer." Rey stepped forward, balling her hands into fists. "How many millions have you killed?"

"Oh Rey." His eyes caught the light as he looked down at her, making them look liquid, like he was fighting tears. "We both know that only one of those deaths matters to you."

She glared at him and their eyes locked. The struggle was fierce and silent as he gave up on subtlety and tried to batter his way into her mind. She threw random images at him, giving him nothing of value.

When he stopped, both of them were flushed and out of breath. "He wanted to die, you know." His tone was casual. "I saw his last thoughts. He was grateful that I—"

Rey slapped him across the face, the report sharp and startling in the cargo hold. His head rocked to the side, a red mark flaring immediately against his pale skin. He lifted his head and met her eyes again. "You've wanted to do that for a long time. Feel better?"

She didn't feel better. She didn't know what she felt. 

"You can do it again if you want." Something in his voice made her look up. His eyes weren't shining with crocodile tears anymore, there was a different light there, one that made the hair on the back of her neck stand up. He slipped into her mind again, but instead of trying to take, he gave: an image of him on his knees in front of her. Half-dressed, his head bowed and his mouth bloody. His pants were open and he—

Rey slapped him again, harder.

"Yes," he breathed. "Please. Take what you want."

She wanted to hit him a third time; her palm itched to do it again, despite the fact that he was taking pleasure in it. That image of him—she couldn't stop seeing it. He wasn't projecting it at her anymore, it simply hung in her mind like a rotten apple, promising sickly sweetness if she'd only take a bite.

And she wanted to.

The realization landed in her chest and stole her breath. She wanted to make him bend to her will. He'd boasted to her once that he could take whatever he wanted, but he hadn't. It wasn't in him to take, no matter what front he put up. No, he wanted someone to make him yield, to take from him.

And oh, stars, she wanted to.

Before she could stop to think, she lowered the hook holding him up until he fell to his knees with a grunt as he hit the metal deck. She secured him again, and there he was, kneeling and helpless. When she stepped toward him, he surged forward and pressed his face against her belly. The way her body responded was shocking, sudden liquid heat rushing through her from head to toe. 

She fisted one hand in his hair and pulled him back. "No."

He looked up at her with wide eyes and open mouth, and whimpered. The whimper undid her. She pulled the utility blade from one of her pockets, enjoying the small surge of power when his eyes got even wider. She was dancing a dangerous, dangerous line here, sticking one foot over into the darkness.

Rey let him worry for a moment. Then she sliced his shirt open. 

At first she'd thought that the robes he usually wore were built up, designed to add bulk to his body, but she'd been wrong. It was all him. His power came from more than just the Force and right now, it was hers. 

"Hurt me." His face was raw with need, with pleading. His eyes flickered to the knife she still held. 

She put the knife away and took him by the hair again. "You are not the one in control here." It was obvious what he wanted, what did _she_ want? The heat in her body was only growing, adrenaline spiking like some post-battle celebration—but there had been no battle. She tightened her hand in his hair, listening for his soft, bitten-back groan. Standing over him, watching his face, she reached out with her mind and caressed his neck with invisible fingers. As soon as he started to relax, her unseen grip tightened remorselessly, closing around his windpipe.

He stiffened, his hands squeezing closed as he tried to breathe. Rey leaned down to him now, studying his face as the color flooded his cheeks. She let go of his throat and he gasped for air before pulling forward and kissing her.

Rey knew she should make him stop, not give him the upper hand, but this was… unexpected. His mouth was cold at first from where he'd been breathing open-mouthed, but warmed against hers. She pulled at his scalp, but instead of pulling him away, she pulled him closer. He tried to put his tongue in her mouth and she bit it, chasing after him with her own tongue. She took ownership of his mouth, licking and biting at him until he sagged against his bonds.

Her body was heavy and hot with a need that scared her a little. She pushed him back onto his heels and straddled him, savoring the fact that he couldn't do anything, not so much as put his arms around her. He writhed beneath her, his mind an open book. She saw how many times he'd thought of this, how he'd gotten careless, wandering alone. Looking for her. Hoping for this.

"That's why you didn't fight." Her arms looped behind his head as she settled her hips against his. "You wanted to get caught."

He met her eyes. "I wanted you to catch me." 

"Shut up." She didn't mean to put the power behind her words, but she did, and he closed his mouth. He pleaded with her mutely; she closed her eyes and kissed him again to avoid looking at him.

It was too much, the pressure of his body against hers. Their hips already rocked together, only making her burn hotter. She pulled away and stood. With quick, efficient movements and as little thought as possible, she stripped away her pants and boots. His eyes followed her every motion, heavy enough she swore she could feel the friction against her bare skin.

She didn't bother to take his pants all the way off, just opened them enough to set his erection free. He cried out when she took it in her hand and straddled him again. Rey closed her eyes and tilted her head back, guiding him into her and sinking down onto his lap. She held him there, feeling the hard length of him filling her—feeling him tremble.

He'd told her to take what she wanted, and now she would.

Once she found the angle she wanted, she rode him hard and fast, kissing him between gasping breaths. He reached for her with his mind, but she shoved him away and locked him out, focusing only on the way he pistoned in and out of her. She felt the strain in his shoulders, in his hips. She felt the way liquid pleasure built up in her belly like wet fire. That's what she reached for, chasing that feeling down while he groaned her name.

The pleasure hit her like a blaster bolt, burning through her nerve paths from the inside out. She savagely bit her lips to keep from crying out, and rode out the rest of her orgasm without making a sound, not giving him anything.

Rey braced herself against his shoulders and pushed off. His erection wavered, flushed and wet and unabated. She stood, looking down at him, his wrecked face, and something softened in her. "Come," she murmured, this time deliberate in her power. She turned her back on his low scream, snagging her clothes before she left.

Once she was alone behind the cockpit door, she sagged against it, utterly shaken. What had she done? What had he turned her into? He'd given her something she hadn't known she'd wanted, had she lost something in return?

She dressed quickly and took a few deep breaths before settling into the pilot's chair and reaching for the comms. She sent the beacon to the base on Taris and got a quick answer.

"Rey! We were starting to get worried!" came a familiar voice.

"Poe? What are you doing there?"

"We've got some new potential pilots, I'm here to put 'em through their paces. Everything okay?"

"I'm fine. I had to miss the rendezvous on Coruscant, but I think the General will be glad I did." She could _feel_ his mind back in the cargo hold, the bliss of afterglow combining with uncertainty and trying to crowd out all of her own thoughts. _Stop that_. He did.

"Oh?"

"I'm returning something that belongs to her," Rey said. "Something she's been looking for for a long time."

"Are you sure you're all right? You sound… off." She could see the furrow in Poe's brow and it made her smile.

"It's fine. We should be there in about an hour."

She signed off. There was just enough time for her to clean up the cargo hold and make her prisoner presentable before handing him off to the Resistance.

After that, he wouldn't be her problem anymore. They'd be finished.

Rey kept telling herself that as she left the cockpit.


	2. Man in the Box

Rey managed to stay away from him once she landed on Taris, turning him over to Resistance officers and walking away. 

She only looked back once. He stood between his new captors with his hands bound behind him, his head unbowed, watching her. A bruise was forming on his cheek where she'd struck him. 

_I did that._ Me.

A small, dark thrill passed through her and she turned away a second time.

She let the officers on Taris debrief her and she explained how she'd captured him in the bar. Acutely aware of Poe's eyes on her, she left out any mention of what happened on the trip. She wanted to forget it had ever happened. Just an anomaly. A moment's weakness. It didn't mean anything.

Poe caught up with her after the meeting. "Hey, are you sure you're okay? He didn't hurt you, did he?"

"No, he didn't. He didn't put up a fight at all." Rey tried on a smile. "I'm fine. I've been awake too long, that's all. I'd planned to sleep after leaving Coruscant, and well… didn't have anybody to stand watch."

He squeezed her shoulder. "We've got some quarters for you. Get some rest."

It was no good. She couldn't sleep. She stood in the refresher until she thought her skin would be raw, put on all new clothes, then spent a couple of hours curled on her borrowed bunk, eyes open.

_-Rey._

Rey jerked out of the beginning of a doze, looking around. No. Absolutely not. She was not hearing his voice.

_-You felt so good._

She threw up every barrier she knew how to build to keep out whatever he might say next. Finally, a few hours later, she managed to fall asleep.

#

Everyone assumed she'd want to be the one to take him back to D'Qar, to bring him before his mother. So she found herself sitting next to him on a transport ship surrounded by Resistance guards. 

"Scavenger." The disdainful mask was back, the hint of a sneer as if he were above her and everyone on this ship.

She said nothing, but stared at him hard until he was the first to look away. _If I had him alone, I'd wipe that expression off his face._

The thought startled her, and she faced front, trying to still her suddenly-pounding heart. 

She stayed silent through lift-off, wishing she were anywhere other than where she was. At first when the sensation started, she thought something was off with the ship's artificial gravity, but no one else seemed bothered by anything. Just her. There it was again: a small, persistent feeling of something trailing up her spine. She twitched, but it didn't go away. Another twitch. Now it was moving down her spine, like a single drop of sweat or… a fingertip.

Her suspicions were confirmed with a sideways glance. He wasn't smiling, but there was an aura of smugness. When the sensation on her spine started again she squeezed his throat in a warning, keeping her hands folded in her lap.

Perhaps only she heard the quiet gasp over the sound of the ship's engines. The finger on her spine vanished, in any case. What sort of game was he playing? He tried to get inside her mind and she squeezed his throat again. The flare of his arousal got past her defenses and into her thoughts, threatening to spark a similar response in her. She clamped down on it cruelly, and let go of his throat. 

Anything she did to deter him would only inflame him more. So she resolved to ignore him entirely.

He didn't respond well to it. 

At first she felt him touching her back again, but the longer she ignored him, the bolder he grew. First she felt his phantom touch along the sides of her breasts, and when she didn't respond, over her nipples. His thoughts she could block, but she knew of no way to stop this. 

She couldn't control all of her physical reactions, but she could conceal them. Let him think his touches were having no effect on her at all. Summoning all her willpower, she struck up a conversation with the guards, idle galactic gossip, nothing too personal or revealing. She kept an easy smile on her face while he pinched and stroked and prodded at her body, trying to make her gasp or blush or sweat. She gave him nothing. 

He eventually stopped, and she had to resist sagging in relief. Her body throbbed with need and she hated him for that. No matter how badly she wanted to hurt him and see him respond, she could never do that again. Never.

#

The base on D'Qar was larger and busier than ever as the remnants of the Republic government converged there to try and start again. So by the time they landed, there was a crowd of people gathered to see the imprisonment of the Resistance's greatest enemy.

General Organa was there, and a line of uniformed troops stood between the ship and the crowd. Finn was in that line, and Rey saw him searching for her as she disembarked. 

She gave him a weak smile, but couldn't look him in the eye, not even at this distance.

She and the general exchanged formal greetings, then General Organa turned from Rey to watch her son being led down the ramp by the guards. The crowd hissed and booed, shouting obscenities. Leia and her son stood face to face for a moment, and although he towered over her physically, he seemed small in comparison to the strength of her presence. 

Neither of them spoke. Rey's skin crawled with the tension growing between them. Would Leia strike him? Humiliate him? Rey would, if she were in Leia's shoes. Instead, Leia turned to Rey and said, "Well done. Thank you." She motioned to the guards to take him away.

This time he was the one who looked back, fixing Rey with an uninterpretable look in his dark eyes.

#

Rey tried to throw herself into her training with Luke. It was harder than before. The meditations and exercises he taught her were designed to set the mind free, to release negative emotions. She couldn't let go. She wrapped a core part of herself around that darkness and hid it away.

"You're struggling with this," Luke said one day when they'd finished. 

"You were the one who warned me that training would be hard." She knew that wasn't what he meant, but she sidestepped anyway, giving him a smile.

"I think in some ways, Leia has it easier than you do. She may hate him for what he's become, but she has the memory of her son to cling to. It's normal to want revenge, to want to see him suffer."

 _Not the way I want to see him suffer._ Her body still burned at the memory of him pressed against her, inside her, at the memory of seeing him overpowered and at her mercy. How could she tell Luke, kind Luke who thought she was a good person, about the dreams she had each night about his nephew?

"If you let that go, it will get easier," Luke said, squeezing her shoulder. 

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She didn't know how to let go, and there was no one she could ask. 

As she was leaving Luke, one of the general's aides found her and summoned her. Rey followed the aide to Leia's private chambers and found the former princess sitting behind a small desk, her forehead resting in her hand as she read. 

"Rey." Her expression was drawn, and she looked as if she hadn't slept in days. "Sit down."

Rey did so, folding her hands in her lap.

"He's not talking to us," Leia said without preamble. "When he first arrived, he told me that he would only speak to you. He hasn't spoken a word since."

Rey imagined him, sitting silently in that cell for—what, three days, since they'd arrived from Taris.

"I didn't want to ask this of you." Leia gave a great sigh and folded her hands on her desk. "I don't have any other choice. He has information that we need, desperately, and if he's willing to talk to you… I'm sorry, Rey."

The trap snapped shut around Rey. She felt it, she knew it, and a part of her was glad. "No, it's all right. I'll go."

#

The guards had taken the belt she wore that carried her blaster and lightsaber—for her own safety, they said.

The cell was larger than she had imagined. He was in binders again in anticipation of his visit but his feet were free. There was nothing keeping him on the bench where he sat. They'd given him clean clothes, the same soft, nondescript casual outfits common around the base. It was strange to see him in something other than black. Black suited him. He looked… ordinary now. Ordinary, except for the fire in his eyes and the way his clenched into fists despite the binders.

As if binders were enough to keep her safe from him. As if being weaponless were enough to keep _him_ safe from _her_.

Besides, the guards had missed the knife she carried in her boot.

The first thing she did was deactivate the sensors monitoring the cell, ignoring the tremor starting in her hands. Only then she turned to face him. "All right. I'm here. Talk."

"You didn't come here to _talk_." The smugness was back, a satisfied little smile curving his lips. 

"No, I came here to make you talk."

When she said the words "make you", he shifted against the bench. "Do you think you can?"

Rey took a step closer, her eyes locked on his. "You know that I can."

That was a shiver he tried to hide, and Rey felt the first rush of power. Still, he tried to bargain. "If you give me what I want, I'll give you… the name of one First Order base."

Just like that, he'd offered to betray the First Order just so she'd… what? Have sex with him again? Had she already won, or was this a trap? "What do you want?"

"Hurt me." His voice dropped low enough she felt the rumble in her own chest.

She folded her hands behind her, as if considering. "Unlike the First Order, we don't torture our prisoners. I'm under strict orders."

"The only torture for me is to see you standing there, doing nothing."

"Very clever. Almost as clever as staying quiet to get me in here."

Even in chains, he stayed arrogant. "I have something they want. They had something I wanted." He stood up and stepped closer to her.

Rey reacted without thinking. She flung out one hand toward him, using the Force to slam him back against the wall. He hung there a moment, then dropped to the ground, catching himself on his hands and knees.

"There she is," he murmured. "There's the girl I wanted to see."

Again with a gesture she picked him up from his hands and knees, holding him by the throat against the wall. If she focused, she could feel his breath rasping through her grasp, his pulse racing. 

"Why are you doing this?" she said. Her mind whirled with images of what she could do to him, what she _wanted_ to do to him.

"I want to see who you really are," he purred. "Show me again."

"Give me the name of the base first."

"Oh no. After." His eyes met hers again and she was the one who fought a shiver. How could eyes so dark reflect so much light? It was all she could see there, light, and endless, empty need.

It was the need that made her decision. He needed her. _Someone_ needed her, even someone as terrible as he was. Keeping him pinned to the wall, she stepped forward and unfastened the binders. He reached for her and she slapped away his hands.

"Get undressed," she ordered, then let him go.

He obeyed quickly without any trace of shyness or shame. She told herself this was just to humiliate him, but her mouth got drier with each piece of clothing that fell to the floor. When the last piece fell, she gave herself the luxury of pausing to look at him. Long limbs, pale skin, he stood quiescent and waiting. 

"Turn around, hands behind your back."

He did, and she got close enough to refasten the binders behind him. She took him by the arm and pushed him down onto his knees. Much better. She circled him, noting the way he'd started to get erect the moment she pushed him down. 

"You want this so badly, you'd betray your cause for it?" She couldn't keep the scorn out of her voice, and didn't even try.

"Not this. _You_." The way he looked at her made her feel as naked as he was, as if he could see through every barrier she might put between them. Her body responded against her will, heat flaring between her legs and in her breasts. "You feel it too," he said. "You knew it the same as I did, the moment we met."

"I despise you," she spat. "I hate the way you make me feel." _If I could just figure out how to make it stop._ Then, because she knew what he wanted, she struck him across the face, on the opposite side from his fading bruise.

"Keep despising me, just like that," he breathed. 

At the moment, she despised herself more, but she couldn't resist standing over him and pulling his head back for a kiss. It was as good as the first one, better. She learned the way he groaned when she bit his lower lip, the way the groan spiraled up in pitch as she bit harder, hard enough to taste blood. She drew away, licking the taste away, looking at the red, red droplets gathering on his white, white skin. 

It reminded her of the knife she had in her boot, which reminded her of the way his eyes had widened the first time. She crouched to draw it, watching his face. 

"You bad, bad girl." His voice was barely a whisper, and his eyes tracked the blade as she moved it from one hand to the other.

"Give me the name of the base."

"Not yet."

She studied him, deciding what to do next. He was the only person she'd ever cut deliberately—all of her fights on Jakku had involved her staff. Using a blade on someone, even a lightsaber, was entirely different. The scar she'd left on his face had faded to almost nothing, no doubt thanks to advanced treatment. Even with his face behind a mask, his vanity wouldn't allow for a real scar. If she cut him now, would he let the scars form?

Rey circled him, watching the play of the muscles of his back as he shifted positions. "Hold still," she said. When he did, she lifted the blade and let the flat of it trail down the line of his shoulderblade. He gasped and shuddered, gooseflesh breaking out over his arms. 

"Please, Rey. Please."

Carefully, slowly, she turned the blade in her hand so it rested against his skin. He wasn't the only one trembling; she had to will her hands still. What she was about to do felt equal parts sacred and profane and she wasn't sure at first if she had the will to do it.

"Make it hurt," he pleaded softly.

The knife was sharp, and whispered over his skin, leaving a thin red trail that began to immediately swell and drip. She stared at it while he moaned, begging her for more. Her own skin felt too small for her body, tight and hot and ready to burst with feelings she couldn't identify. She managed a few more shallow cuts before her trembling got too bad and she had to stop. 

His back was criss-crossed with lines of red and he was writhing now, shifting and hunching his shoulders in a way that had to make the pain worse. Rey drew a shaky breath, aware of the blistering heat of her body. The room was too close, too warm. She kicked the knife out of reach and leaned over him from behind, taking his mouth with hers brutally hard. He fell back on his bound hands, his head dropping back as far as it could go. 

She drank in his moans and cries, overwhelmed with the power she felt. When she let him go, he fell onto his back, trapping his hands beneath him. Rey watched his face, his eyes squeezed shut in pain/pleasure, the way his lips moved, the way his tongue swiped out over them. Right then she knew what she wanted, no, what she _needed_.

Once again, she found herself standing in front of him, stripping out of her pants in a rush. He moved to get up and she put her foot on his chest. "Stay there." He watched her open-mouthed and panting as she ignored the hardness between his legs and knelt straddling his broad shoulders. "Use your mouth," she ordered.

It was better than his kisses. Almost better than having him buried deep inside her. Even with his hands pinned, she felt phantom touches running up and down her body while he devoured her. She allowed it, gave in to the pure pleasure taking over. Although she tried to hide it, he quickly learned what made her gasp, what made her arch her hips just so. 

At the same time, he ran tendrils of thought through her mind, not teasing past her defenses for once, just touching them lightly. Some of the places he touched in her mind only increased the pleasure of his mouth, shocking and delighting her. Tentatively, she attempted something similar and realized, too late, that they were enmeshed. 

It was just like it had been on Starkiller, trapped in each other's thoughts, like a finger trap that pulled tighter the harder they fought to get free. Panic warred with pleasure, and she finally gave in and pulled his mind closer, distracting him with her body while she freed her mind from his. She saw him then, really saw him, the depths of self-loathing and arrogance combining into a toxic stew, heard the maddening whispers of an evil old man stirring the pot. In short seconds, she saw the progression from sullen boy to damaged man, the faces of people he killed. The face of his father. Horrified, she pulled free mentally, just as her body crested into an orgasm that pulled an involuntary scream from her.

Rey fell backwards away from him, landing on the floor with a thud. He looked as stunned as she felt. She scrambled for her clothes and pulled them back on, unable to look at him. 

"Rey…"

"Give me the name of the base."

He didn't answer at first, staring at her with wide eyes.

"The base," she insisted.

"Jelucan. Just outside Valentia. There's an old mining complex southwest of the city." He struggled to a sitting position while she tied on her boots and reseated her knife. "Rey—"

"Shut up." She took off his binders and dropped them to the floor. "Get dressed." She felt dizzy and a little sick and a part of her still wanted him desperately.

While he was still dressing, she left the cell, fleeing past the puzzled guards and out into the open air. It was dark, and she tilted her face into the cool night air, trying to remember to breathe. Rey looked up at the stars with tears streaming down her face, unsure who she was crying for.


	3. Disarm

She tried to sleep, but wound up curled up on her side, staring into the darkness. Every time she tried to close her eyes she saw him, barely more than a child, and alone in a way even she had never been. It didn't excuse his atrocities, nothing could, and yet, she had looked inside of the monster and seen the child. The rush of empathy was unwelcome and unwanted. 

As if he were listening in on her thoughts, she heard his voice.

_-Rey. I saw you, the real you._

The voice in her head sounded awed.

_-So much pain and darkness, yet you try so hard to choose the Light. Why, I wonder?_

_-Leave me alone._

_-Think of what I could teach you. You_ need _me._

No, _he_ needed _her_ , she felt it from across the compound, the sickly-sweet undercurrent of hunger and desire, increasingly filthy and disturbing images filling her mind straight from the pit that was his. His urge for pain was bottomless and he wanted things she never would have dreamed of on her own.

Maybe a part of her was as twisted and broken as he was. Maybe he hadn't been wrong when he'd said they were the same. Seeing him hurt, seeing him beg for pain at her hands was… it had to be wrong to want that, to feel utterly on fire just thinking about it.

Rey's control was slipping through her fingers, and she was terrified of what she was becoming.

#

She stayed behind while Poe led a squadron to raid the First Order base on Jelucan. It was a real base, small but functional, and it only took a short time for the Resistance to knock it out completely. It would take weeks for the intelligence experts to determine if they recovered anything of greater value. 

It was a small victory, but it heartened the entire base, and everywhere she went, Rey had people congratulating her on getting the prisoner to talk. Each time it got harder to smile and say thank you. 

General Organa had asked her how she did it, what she'd said. Rey lied.

The problem, of course, was that since sending her in to talk to him was successful once, they wanted her to do it again. 

"You don't have to." It was two days after the Jelucan raid, and she was sitting across from Finn in the mess trying to eat lunch. Trying. Her appetite had dwindled lately. Finn leaned across the table. "I'm serious. They can send someone else. He's dangerous."

"He won't talk to anyone else, they've tried." Rey poked at the food with her utensils, remembering to take a few bites. 

"Why _you_ , though. I don't like it. It's a trick." 

"Even if it is, I have to try." It wasn't a trick, it was a trap. Rey still dreamed about him every night despite her best defenses—she was beginning to suspect he wasn't invading her dreams at all, but that they were hers alone.

"Let me come with you." Finn quickly warmed to the idea as he spoke. "Yeah. I can help you. That way you won't have to keep facing him alone."

Rey almost laughed, trying to imagine how that would go over. "I'm all right." A lie. "This is something I have to face on my own." The truth. "I'm not afraid." The biggest lie of all.

#

The next person to try and talk her out of it was Poe. She was crossing the compound when he called her name and ran to catch up with her. "Congratulations on the raid," she said when he reached her.

"You did the hard part there." 

She shrugged, hoping to forestall any praise. "I just talked to him."

"Did you?" Something in the tone of his voice caught her off-guard and she glanced over. Poe's face was neutral, but she could see the question hiding behind his eyes.

"Well, yes." She kept her eyes on his, adding a puzzled smile. 

He stopped walking and turned to face her. "The rumor mill here is hell, you know. Not malicious, but… busy. But sometimes, the most disturbing rumors get hushed up."

Rey shook her head, "I don't—"

"The guards thought they heard you scream."

The blood drained from her face, leaving her dizzy. "Poe, you don't—"

"And when they went into his cell later, one of them said he saw blood on the floor." Poe's handsome face was taut with worry and a hint of anger. _He knew_.

She tried to laugh it off. "That's ridiculous, I would—"

"What did you let him do to you?" 

_He didn't know_. "I…"

Poe took her by the shoulders. "You don't have to… to give in to him."

"Poe, I'm not—it's not what you think. I don't know what the guards saw but I'm not some sort of… virgin sacrifice." 

"Are you sure? No one would ever ask that of you." He looked so earnest, Rey's eyes stung with tears. 

"He didn't lay a hand on me, I swear." Not physically, anyway.

He pulled her into a hug, and she melted against him, suddenly exhausted. "I'm sorry," he said. "The way he looked at you when you got here, and then insisting that he'd only speak to you… I worry. He's fixated on you."

"I'm all right." She'd keep saying it until it was true.

#

She stumbled into her usual training session with Luke late and bleary eyed from another night of sleep interrupted by disturbing dreams and long-distance attempts at seduction. It had been nearly a week since she'd last visited the prison cell, and the leaders were getting anxious for more information. She couldn't put it off for much longer. 

Her own need was getting too loud to ignore. She'd tried to resolve that on her own, at least, desperately touching herself while he was whispering into her mind, trying to keep him from realizing what she was doing. It hadn't helped. 

She was miserable.

"Oh, Rey." Luke took one look at her and held open his arms. Even though she didn't deserve it, she went to him and buried her face against his robes. The tears came on their own, despite her efforts to stop them. 

"I'm so sorry." Luke said while she sniffled. "He talks to you, doesn't he. From his cell. I should have realized he would."

"I can't make him stop." 

"We'll work on that." Luke eased her away from him to look at her. "I had hoped I was wrong, but it seems my initial impression was right."

Rey took a deep breath and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "Wrong about what?"

"There's a strong bond between the two of you."

"What kind of bond?" She wasn't sure she wanted the answer.

Luke took her hands and sat her down on the meditation cushions. "I'm not sure, but based on what you've told me about your first encounter with him, it may have happened when he tried to enter your mind on Starkiller Base, and you fought back. That sort of shock—and it was a shock for both of you—might have been enough."

"How do I break it?"

"I don't know if you can. Rey, you may always be connected to him in some way."

"No, there has to be way." She felt the first creeping tendrils of panic shivering up her spine. "You don't understand. You don't know what it's like, having him inside my head. The things he tells me..."

"I do know."

For a horrified, sickening moment, Rey thought he meant that he knew everything that had happened.

Luke went on, "The bond wasn't quite as strong, but I do know what it's like to have an unwelcome guest in your head."

"What did you do?"

"The more you fight him, the stronger he will become. It's not unlike hate or fear. You must let it pass through you, unnoticed and ignored."

Unnoticed and ignored. Could she do that? "But… I can't avoid him," she said. "There's still too much information we need, and he won't talk to anyone else."

"You must learn to keep part of yourself distant," Luke said. "Do not let him control your emotions. Try not to even let him sense them. He will try to feed any hint of darkness that he finds in you. The mind is all that matters, Rey. If you can control your own mind, the rest will follow."

They spent the rest of the morning working on Rey's mental defenses, and by the time they were finished, the voice in the back of her mind was barely a whisper.

That night, she slept peacefully for the first time since leaving Coruscant.

#

She couldn't put it off any longer. The Republic needed information, and they had one of the best sources of information imaginable right there on their base. 

Rey spent the morning in deep meditation, centering herself, grounding herself in who she was, what she believed.

What her body wanted, what gave her pleasure, was incidental in comparison. 

She arrived at the detainment area without any advance warning, and the guards wanted her to wait while they bound him. She shook her head. "That won't be necessary. He won't hurt me."

"But—"

"Let me in, please." She didn't put any command into it, just a request. But the guards obeyed.

He must have known she was coming. When they opened the door to his cell, he was kneeling on the ground as if in meditation, his hands resting on his knees and his head bowed. She nodded, and the guards shut the door behind her.

Without lifting his head, he said, "I miss our talks."

"You miss trying to control me." 

He laughed, quiet at first, then his shoulders shaking with the force of it. He looked up at her. "You are the one with the guards and the locks. And the knife. I control nothing."

For a heady moment, she felt the power that she had over him, the exultation trying to rise within her. She took a deep breath and didn't fight it. She let the feeling grow, then ebb, finally watching it recede. When it had passed, she walked closer to him, and knelt in front of him, her position a mirror to his, taking a small bit of joy at the surprise on his face.

"Why do you need to hurt?" she asked. "Isn't there enough pain the world without creating more?"

"There will always be more pain than any of us can bear. I could fight it, or I could play the stoic and let it—oh, how does my uncle always put it—'let it pass through me, unnoticed and ignored', or I can embrace it, take pleasure from it, let it make me stronger."

"You don't look very strong right now." It was almost easy, sitting across from him like this. She felt the pull toward him, felt her body wanting to respond, but it was more distant than it had been.

"The cuts have almost healed." He looked her in the eye for the first time this visit. "I need more."

 _Don't show him anything_. She smiled and hid the shiver. "Perhaps. But we should talk first."

"Of course, you want information." 

He slipped to his hands and knees and started to crawl toward her. She stayed where she was, schooling her face into impassive lines as he got closer… closer… close enough to touch her now, Rey could feel his body heat radiating against her skin. It took all her willpower to clear her mind when he leaned in and nuzzled at her cheek, his lips cool and soft as he moved to her ear. "Ask me," he murmured.

With him close like this, she couldn't take a cleansing breath without him sensing it. _Unnoticed and ignored. Unnoticed and ignored_. The beat of her heart and the flush of her skin just _were_ , and meant nothing. Rey tented her fingers against his chest and pushed him back so she could see his face. 

"There's one thing I need from you," she said. "And one thing only." She leaned closer and gave him a lingering but chaste kiss.

"Ask me," he repeated, his eyes glowing.

"Tell me the location of Snoke."

He caught the hand pressed against his chest and used it to pull her closer to him. Before she could react, he kissed her back, decidedly less chaste, his mouth slanting hard across hers. When he let her go, he was smiling.

"Not even for you, Rey."

"I thought you might say that."

His smile widened, expecting the pain he wanted so badly. Rey could feel his arousal already growing and felt herself respond. She rose to her feet in one fluid movement and went to the door. "I'll check back in a few days to see if you've changed your mind."

"What? Rey—"

"You were right. You control nothing." She slipped out of the cell, feeling his frustration and rage grow behind her.


	4. Precious Things

_-Rey. Where are you?_

Rey sat in on the strategy briefing and tried to pay attention. The General was talking about the latest information on the rebuilding of the Republic. With the fleet destroyed and most of the senators dead in the Hosnian apocalypse, progress was slow and contentious. 

_-I need you. Come hurt me._

It had been like this for days. Most of the time she tuned him out, but sometimes she listened, like turning up the volume on a holotransmission. She was waiting. Waiting to hear just the right amount of desperation from him. Oh, she still wanted him. Sometimes it would blossom into a dull ache from her center outward, and she would have to stop whatever she was doing and breathe, just breathe so she wouldn't go charging into his cell.

But she didn't just wait idly. She worked out a random schedule with the guards: for his meals, for when the lights went out and when they came back. His environment no longer operated at regular, predictable intervals.

After the briefing, the General called her aside. "Luke says your training is going well."

Rey smiled, enjoying a small rush of pride. It _had_ been going better. Focus was coming easier to her now; she was more grounded. 

"Rey, I have to ask…"

"I know it's been awhile since I've gotten any information for you, but I am working on it, I promise."

"It's not that." Leia looked around and pulled her a little farther away from the others. "How is he, how is my son?"

"Oh. He's… as well as can be expected, I suppose. Under the circumstances." 

Leia smiled a thin, bitter smile. "I'm not sure which hurts worse, to have him out somewhere in the galaxy hurting other people, or to have him so close and not be able to see him."

"I'm sorry." Rey paused. "I could… I could probably get him to agree to see you, if you wanted me to?"

Leia shook her head. "You're so young, I forget how young you are. No, I don't know if that would be a good thing for either of us, not right now."

"But—"

"Just tell me one thing." Leia reached for Rey's hand. "I thought there was still good in him, once. Do you think there might be, or is my son lost forever?"

Rey squeezed Leia's hand and tried to think of her answer. "He's… damaged." She thought of the little boy inside the man, the legacy of Snoke's manipulation, and she thought of the way he watched her with his burning eyes. "I don't know," she finally said. "Maybe."

"I—I've already lost one person by asking this, but Rey… bring him back if you can." Leia let go of her hand and squared her shoulders before going back to work.

#

Rey and Luke had just finished sparring. His age might have slowed him somewhat, but he still beat her nine times out of ten. That last bout had not been one of the tenth. Rey was winded and damp with sweat.

"How do you bring someone back from the Dark Side?" She blurted it while standing with her hands pressed to her knees, catching her breath.

"Rey." Luke's voice had a note of warning in it, and she looked up at him. "It's not your job to save him."

"But what if we could?"

Luke handed her a towel and grabbed his own. " _We_ can't do anything. If there's still good in him, even now, it's on him to find it."

"But you saved—"

"I didn't. He saved himself."  Luke fixed her with a look. "I nearly died, and the man who was my father couldn't bear to watch. You can't count on something like that here."

"What _can_ I do then?"

He shook his head. "Keep getting information from him. Stay safe. Is he still talking to you?"

"Some. It's easier to manage now." She paused. "Thank you for that."

When they finished for the day, Luke stopped her before she left with a hand on her arm. "Rey, I meant what I said. Don't try to save him. He has to save himself."

#

On the fourth day, Rey went back to the cell. A friend of Finn's, Jaxon, was on guard duty. 

"He's been quiet," Jaxon said. "Don't know what he's doing, but he's been sitting in the same spot for about five hours now."

"He hasn't moved at all?" Rey went to the monitor to see for herself. She recognized the position he was sitting in. It was one of the meditation postures she'd learned from Luke.

"Not so much as an eyelash," Jaxon confirmed. "He didn't eat dinner when Will took it into him."

She watched the monitor for several moments, watching the way he breathed. The pattern was the same as the one she used for focusing her attention inwards. He was using Jedi meditation techniques. Interesting.

"Did you want to see him?" Jaxon asked.

"Yeah. What time does he think it is?" 

"Almost time for lights out." It was just before lunch. They'd succeeded in throwing off his schedule completely.

"All right. Ready when you are."

Jaxon let her in, and she waited by the door, switching off the sensors.

Once the door was closed, Rey crossed the room and stood over him. 

He tilted his head back to look up at her. He was paler, and there were circles under his eyes. 

"You're not sleeping," she said.

"Thanks to you."

She reached out and took his jaw in her hand, but her grip was gentle. "You need to get more rest if you're going to be any use to me."

He tried to drag his eyes away from her, but she held his gaze as tightly as she held his head. "How can I be of use to you today, then?"

"You know what I need. Snoke's location."

"And you know I won't give you that. No matter how many ridiculous mind games you try to play." He jerked away from her hand. "Trying to play with my sense of time. If I had to guess, it's really not quite noon out there in the real world. And it's been four days since you were here last, not six."

"Impressive," she said coolly. _Blast_. Rey wasn't sure how to react to this version of him. The arrogant mask was off, but neither was he the panting, crawling would-be lover.

"Why are you _really_ here, Rey?"

She crouched beside him and he eyed her with mistrust. Was he truly afraid of her now? Rey dragged her knuckles down the side of his cheek, a gesture of calculated ownership rather than tenderness. "Your mother wants to see you."

"People on Tatooine want snow too, I hear," he murmured.

"She wants me to bring you back to the Light."

He laughed bitterly. "There you have a valuable lesson in my mother's leadership style, Rey. Never settle for expecting the merely difficult when you can expect the impossible."

"Why do you hate her?" She circled him, trailing her fingers over his chest. He sat up straighter, his eyes straight ahead.

"Stop toying with me, Rey. We both know you're finished with me." He licked his lips as he spoke though, eyes darting briefly to where she stood. "You pushed too far. You asked the one question I can't answer." 

"Then why don't we take a few steps back." Rey paused a moment, then she reached out to him, grasping his chin once more and making him meet her eyes. "What can you tell me? The name of another base? Best make it a good one this time, Jelucan was small and nearly empty by the time we got there."

His smile was faint and cool. "You couldn't have expected me to just hand you a juicy prize right off."

"You were very convincing." Her body tightened at the memory of just how convincing. The turmoil trying to grow within her caught her off guard. Had everything been an act on his part? Or was he acting now? 

As if reading her mind, he said, "Oh, the rest of it was real, Rey." He dragged his gaze slowly down her body—as much as he could, with her holding his head in place. "Very real."

She wasn't as helpless as she might have been even a week ago, but it took everything she had to keep her body and face neutral. She tightened her grip enough to hurt and forced his eyes up, gratified to see some of the coolness there retreat.

He drew a sharp breath. "Rey?" Hope in his voice, in the shift of his body posture.

"Get on your knees," she said softly.

There was nothing graceful in the way he scrambled to obey when she let him go. 

"You will not speak except to say 'yes', or 'no', unless I say otherwise." Rey tucked her hands behind her. "Do you understand?"

"Yes." His pulse beat visibly at his throat, a faint flutter.

"Good." The power that flowed between them was as potent as it was before, but instead of overwhelming her and dragging her under, she rode on top of it, feeling it fuel her every thought. It was better if he didn't speak, couldn't goad her. "Take off your shirt."

He obeyed wordlessly. This was so much easier now, the ease of it feeding into her confidence. She put one foot forward, savoring the frisson of energy running up her spine. "Bow to me."

When he did, the vulnerable line of his spine was exposed, shoulders taut as he strained to bow over the boot she presented him with. Where was the line? What would it take to get him to say 'no, not that'? He still wanted pain, she could feel that need, would he do this in hopes of getting it?

"Now kiss it."

She expected him to grudgingly do so, perhaps with a sour look in her direction. Her boots were nothing special, not particularly clean, just her average, everyday footwear.

She didn't expect him to lovingly cup her foot with both hands, press his forehead to her boot, then give it a slow, reverent kiss. The gasp escaped her before she could control it. He did look up at her then, but his eyes were soft. 

It was a thousand times better than the frantic desperation she'd within herself felt before. 

"Tell me what you want." She was giving him permission, yes, but also uncertain which way to go.

"Punish me." His voice was a hoarse whisper. "Please. I deserve it."

Rey tried to think what she knew of punishment, remembering the occasional slavers that passed through Niima Outpost. They'd carried whips, but she had no whip. "Go stand facing that wall, brace your hands against it." While he obeyed, she looked around the room for something that might serve as a substitute. 

Her belt. That should work. She took it off, snapping it in her hands to test it. He whimpered, and oh, she'd forgotten how much she enjoyed hearing that. 

His back was still marked with the mostly-healed cuts she'd given him. Hitting him too hard or in the wrong places would risk reopening them, but somehow, she suspected he wouldn't mind.  Rey held the ends of the belt together in one hand, drew back her arm, and _crack_.

He flinched against the wall, giving a muffled cry. 

"Don't move," she ordered, and swung a second time. He stayed in place, stiff-armed, but his cry was louder, and went straight to the core of her being. It was a lost sound, sharp and hopeless and arousing on a level that frightened her again. She took a deep breath and let the fear pass through her and let her body want what it wanted without judgment. 

She counted each stroke, watched the red marks multiply across his back. By the time she got to eight, something had changed. His shoulders hitched and his head was lowered, pressed against the wall between his hands. 

Rey stopped and lowered the belt, reaching out to touch his shoulder. He froze, but she pulled him away from the wall. When he kept his head down, she reached out and made him look up. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. His face was wet with tears. Guilt and victory tangled up inside her as she reached up to touch one wet cheek. He flinched away.

"Stop," she warned. 

He sighed and let her touch him, let her pull him down to taste the tears on his lips. _She had done this_. And without giving any part of herself away, without letting him ever control her reactions. The thought burned through her and she wrapped a hand around the back of his neck and pulled him in tight, turning her back to the wall. His tears, the tears she made him shed, dampened her cheeks and made the fire in her burn hotter. 

She pushed him back enough to start pulling her clothing off. Her shirt was halfway open when an idea occurred. "My boots," she said. "Take them off." 

He fell to his knees and started to unfasten them. Power surged through her as she shrugged out of her shirt and let it fall to the floor, resting a hand on his head. She lifted first one foot, then the other, so he could pull her boots off. He caressed her feet, staying on his knees and watching her. 

More naked than she had ever been in front of him, with her breasts bared, she ought to have felt more vulnerable, but she felt more invincible than ever. And when she reached to unfasten her pants, the way his eyes followed her movements made her heart race faster.  She pushed her pants away and she was completely naked in front of him.

"Rey," he breathed, and she pressed a finger to his lips.

"Shh. I didn't say you could speak."

He shuddered. 

"Now yours."

He nearly stumbled in his haste to stand and obey. Rey gave herself a long luxurious moment to study him, the shaking of his hands, his slender hips, and the erection between them. 

"Knees."

Down he went again, looking up at her as if she were the only bright spot in the universe. 

"Touch me." 

His hands came up to her breasts first, surprisingly gentle—too gentle. She moved his hands to her nipples and squeezed his fingers around them until he understood. HIs breath was hot against her belly as he followed her lead, pinching her just hard enough to make her gasp. Rey closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the wall. 

At first when his mouth pressed against her belly it tickled, but then his hands followed, holding her hips against the wall. She started to reprimand him, then stopped when his mouth dropped lower and he nosed his way between her legs. Rey inhaled sharply and hooked one foot around his shoulder to give him easier access. 

There were no phantom touches this time, just his hands running up and down her body while his tongue flickered and teased. He tried to reach into her mind again, but she swatted him away. "No." She wouldn't risk getting caught again. 

His mouth was enough, at least for a little while. When she needed more, she took one of his hands and pulled him up to his feet. It was easy to brace her back against the wall, wrap her legs around his waist, easier still when he picked her up and held her there. They were eye to eye as he slid into her; she got to see every expression that flickered across his face, from uncertainty to resolve to lust tinged with just enough fear to be interesting. Then he moved in to kiss her and she let him, wrapping her arms around his neck. 

They moved together fast and hard. When he wasn't kissing her, his teeth were sunk into his bottom lip, his head back, body straining. Rey leaned in and bit his neck just to hear him moan. 

"Tell me when," he gasped, breaking her rule. He'd pay for it later, not now.

When she came, it took all her willpower not to cry out as the pleasure washed over her. She shuddered in his arms and pressed her face against his neck, finally growling, "Now."

His knees buckled, and they tumbled to the floor, still joined. He wound up on his back, her riding him through the last of his orgasm. She allowed herself to collapse against him for a short moment, panting. 

Finally she pushed away and looked down at him. He looked stunned. 

Rey smiled down at him. "A base. A valuable one."

He cut his eyes away from her, then closed them. "There's an intelligence outpost on Bespin. In the Ugnaught city."

"Look at me." She turned him to face her, and he grudgingly opened his eyes. "Are you telling me the truth?" She probed lightly into his mind, skimming over his thoughts.

"It's valuable, and it's real," he said. There was no sign he was lying. 

Rey kissed him, then stood up. "It had better be."

He sat up and caught her hand. She looked at his hand, then up at him, but he didn't flinch. "I will never lie to you, Rey."

She pulled her hand from his and got dressed. "Get some rest."

"Don't make me wait so long next time." There was something a little sad and pathetic about him, sitting naked on the floor.

Rey lifted her chin. "We'll see."

On her way out, she ordered the guards to return him to a normal, regular schedule.


	5. #1 Crush

The next day, Rey went back to the cell. Jaxon and Will were gone and she didn't know the current guards, but they let her watch the monitors without asking questions.

He was meditating again. Instead of sitting still, he moved through a series of lightsaber forms, his face a blank. She knew those forms by heart, practiced them herself every morning.

The day after that, he was balanced on one hand. Rey couldn't manage that yet, not for long periods, and not while deep in her own mind, but Jaxon told her he'd been that way for an hour.

She went straight to Luke, bursting into the training room. "What is he doing? It's like he's going through everything you're teaching me."

Luke looked up from his own exercises. "What?"

"He's using Jedi meditation forms, and that's all he's doing. The guards say he sleeps a little, eats a little, and goes back to it. He's stopped trying to get into my head." 

"What changed?" Luke powered down his lightsaber. "The last time you spoke to him?"

There were many ways to answer that question without directly lying, and if Rey took too long to pick one, Luke would know it. "He _was_ different," was what she settled on. "He… cried."

"Did he express any remorse?"

"No, not in so many words." Rey scrubbed her hands over her face. "Nothing like that, just gave me more information."

"And has it checked out?" Luke was looking at her too closely. She never felt him in her mind, but deep down she wondered if that was just because he knew how to hide his tracks. 

"We should know by tomorrow. A squadron is on the way to Bespin now."

Luke sighed. "Sit down." They sat on the cushions and he stayed quiet long enough for her to get nervous. "I haven't pried," he finally said. "Aside from seeing the bond between you, which frankly, didn't require prying to spot. You are the first person like himself that he's known in a long time."

"Which is entirely his own doing," Rey pointed out.

"Yes, and I suspect he regrets that." He smiled faintly. "Of course, that might just be an old man's hope. He has always been a man that feels too much, too strongly. Impulsively."

"I can believe that."

"He might— _might_ —be trying to change. For your sake."

"But—"

Luke raised his hand to stop her. "I won't ask what's happened between you, but I will say this much, Rey. I've watched him move through many infatuations. They burn hot and fast and end quickly. Be prepared for that."

Rey sat back on her hands. She didn't want his words to make sense, but they did. Entirely too much sense. "What can I do?"

"That's entirely up to you and how you feel about him. Encourage him, if you wish, but encourage him to change for his own sake, not yours." He rose to his feet and offered her hand up. "But no matter what happens, his choices are not your responsibility. I want you to remember that."

She let him pull her to her feet, her thoughts and emotions in turmoil. 

"Why don't we start with some meditation," Luke said gently.

#

Training helped clear her mind, but it didn't resolve her dilemma. And it didn't clarify her feelings any. She'd seen him as a challenge, a problem to solve. An entanglement to try and unravel without getting trapped. It had been a game, until it wasn't anymore.

Poe and Finn were both away on the mission to Bespin. After the flurry caused by the Jelucan raid, she'd begged General Organa to keep the source of this information a secret. But that left her with no one to confide in. 

She went for a long walk instead of eating dinner, a walk that turned into a run that ended when she made it back to her quarters long after midnight, exhausted and wrung out. After nearly falling asleep in the refresher, she stumbled into her bed.

Rey dreamed of Han Solo for the first time in ages. After he died, she had dreamed about him nearly every night, but that had eventually faded with the worst of her grief. It was the same dream as before, seeing his death, seeing him fall, only this time, instead of being high above, she was on the catwalk, just behind him. Too late to get there, too late to keep his son from taking the killing blow. She watched it happen over and over again.

When she woke, she was still exhausted. She climbed out of her bed, bleary-eyed, and tried to start her normal routine. It was no good. She was too distracted.

The night shift guards were still outside his cell when she got there. 

"He's not awake—" one of them said.

"He will be in a minute," Rey said grimly. "Let me in."

They turned on the lights and let her into the cell. He sat up on the narrow bunk, blinking owlishly and clutching the bedcovers to his bare chest like a startled maiden. 

"Leave us," she snapped at the guards, and they obeyed. "What are you doing?" she demanded.

"...sleeping?" He swung his legs over the side of the bunk and sat with his head hanging. "Or I was." He squinted up at her. "Why aren't you?"

"Nightmares." Now that she was here, she didn't know what she planned to do. Her emotions had gotten the best of her. Again.

"Did you… want to talk about them?"

That startled a laugh out of her. "With you? No." It was on her lips to tell him that he'd been the cause of her nightmare, but she held back when she saw the vague shadow of hurt flicker through his eyes. _Encourage him_. She wasn't sure how to do that, but she could try. She sat on the edge of his bunk next to him. "The guards say you're meditating more." She didn't mention watching him, or that she recognized his technique.

He shrugged. "What else is there for me to do? Think of you all day?" His tone was light, but there was an undercurrent of seriousness.

"Don't do that," she agreed, keeping the same light tone. "That will just make the boredom worse."

"I see through your eyes, sometimes. When you're out there."

Rey couldn't hide the jolt of surprise. Thoughts flashed through her head, the briefings she'd attended, the private discussions of strategy, the personal conversations… what had he seen?

"I can't control it," he added quickly. "Just glimpses. It's… nice to see daylight."

What was there to say to that? The silence quickly grew awkward. until he broke it. "Rey, I know I'm not likely to ever get out of here."

There was no easy reply to that either. Even if by some miracle he returned to the Light, his crimes would be enough to keep him imprisoned for a very long time. Finally she said, "You knew that, but you let me catch you anyway."

He laughed, and the sheer _humanness_ of the sound threw her off balance. "I don't always make very good decisions," he said.

"Well there's an understatement of galactic proportions," Rey said dryly.

Then they were both laughing and it was one of the oddest things Rey had ever experienced. It was as if she were seeing double, seeing a dangerous enemy next to her, but also a potential… friend.

Why did that make him seem more dangerous than ever?

"So what happens now?" he said.

"Tell me about Snoke. If you can't tell me where he is, tell me something about who he is." She turned to face him, bringing one knee up on the bunk.

For a long time, he didn't answer. Long enough that Rey almost gave up on any answer at all. Finally he said, "Powerful. And very very old." He drew a deep breath. "I don't remember a time when I didn't know who he was, when he wasn't talking to me."

When he reached for Rey's hand, she let him take it.

"Everyone thought he was just an imaginary friend I made up at first. By the time they realized he wasn't… it was too late."

"Is he… human?"

He laughed at her, but not meanly. "I wondered at first. But yes." 

Rey bit her lower lip, then asked the next logical question. "Why?"

"You know why. You've felt it." 

"So what, just power?"

"More than power. Self-interest. No more need to hide who I was, what I wanted. No more repressing every single thing I felt for fear of becoming a monster."

"So you became the monster."

He caught her eyes with his. "Do you really believe that? That I'm a monster?" They held one another's gaze again, and she felt the connection snapping closed. This time she was a little more prepared, and tempered some of the Force energy flowing between them, forming a conduit she could control at will. 

Again she saw the little boy, the one who was always a little bit alone, lost, different from everyone else. The resentments, the slights, the need to always feel better than the people around him. The fact of _being_ better than everyone around him in so many ways. It was as if he were standing aside and letting her sift through his memories.

Then, on Starkiller, feeling his rage and hatred of Finn. _Traitor_. The urge to kill him, obliterate him entirely. Rey was no longer just seeing his memories, she was reliving the fight through his eyes. Hurt that anyone would choose his parents over him, _again_ , always siding with them, always, well they'd pay for it, all of them would pay—

Shock and surprise and _pain_ at watching his grandfather's lightsaber, his _legacy_ , fly past him and into _her_ hands. Followed by recognition. A worthy opponent/kindred spirit. Rey only half-remembered that fight, terrified and hurting and desperate to survive. In his eyes, she saw a sparring match, a test. She saw the dozen times he might have killed her if he'd chosen to, saw killing blow after killing blow open up in her defenses, and saw him ignore them all.

She'd seen a monster in him. He'd seen a potential equal in her. A prize to give his leader, yes, but also… the missing piece of him. Someone who might make him whole.

Rey wanted to recoil, to pull away from him as hard and as fast as she had the first time she'd seen him this clearly. She forced herself to stay and push further in, past the shallow places in his mind. Snoke, berating him for his compassion for… _her_. His fear that the Light would take him over again and reduce him to nothing but the child of heroes, destined to always stand in their shadow.

And yet, he wanted her to save him.

Too late, he pushed her out, realizing that she'd seen too much. He pulled his hand from hers, and they sat staring at one another, both a little breathless. 

"I can't be the one to save you."

"I know that, you think I don't know that? No one can!" His voice rose and his rage rose with it, at her for seeing him so clearly, at himself for letting her in. 

"That's not true. You can do it. You _are_ doing it. I know the meditation forms you're using, the ones to provide clarity and calm and peace. I know where you learned them." She caught his hand again and held it between both of hers. "You can fight this."

"What if I don't want to?"

"You said you'd never lie to me, don't start now."

He grew still and looked her in the eye. "What if I'm afraid to?"

"You know how to cope with fear. 'Unnoticed and ignored,'" she recited. 

"'Unnoticed and ignored,'" he repeated, then freed his hand from hers. He leaned over and wrapped his arms around her, burying his face against the side of her neck. After a startled moment, she put her arms around him and held him there. The position was awkward and a little uncomfortable, but she was prepared to stay there if she had to. 

Instead he lifted her and pulled her into his lap, clinging to her like a child would cling to a familiar toy. 

It stopped being about comfort when his lips started moving against her neck. Or maybe it was just a comfort of a different kind. Chills ran through her as he kissed her neck, then her throat, slowly, carefully. Even… tenderly. After everything that had passed between them, this was nothing she expected.

He made his way to her mouth, his hands cradling her face. He touched her hair, and on a whim, she reached up and undid knots holding it in place, letting it fall around her shoulders. There was just a hint of desperation in his kisses, something that called to her and made her want to answer. The kiss burned slow but hot, and it seemed only natural when he lowered her to the narrow bunk, looming over her. At first, the weight of his body pressing her to the thin mattress frightened her, made her feel trapped, but she knew by now that she could free herself of him if she wanted to.

"Rey," he spoke between kisses, moving along her jawline to her ear. "You never use my name. Why?"

Rey tilted her head back, exposing her throat to his mouth. "I never thought of it, really."

"Say it now." 

She started to, the hard consonant forming with her mouth, but he put a finger to her lips. "No. Not that one. Say my real name."

"Ben."

Rey knew there was power in words, but she hadn't realized how much. He shivered and tightened his arms around her so that she could hardly breathe. "Please. Again."

She ran her hand over his hair and tilted his head so he was looking down at her. "Ben," she repeated. He leaned down to kiss her again, moving with agonizing slowness. It felt like a dream, tinged with unreality as she let him touch her, peel away her clothes and his. Arousal like a slow tide washed over her as they traded kisses and caresses, utterly different from any time before. He didn't feel like an adversary this time. Maybe he wasn't.

There was an unexpected sweetness to the way he looked at her, the way his fingers trailed down her skin. When he finally slid inside her, they moved together like water. Their hands joined over her head, their eyes locked, their minds moved in as intricate a dance as their bodies. They needed no words, sharing thoughts like caresses back and forth. 

Even her orgasm was a different sort of fire, the kind that warmed and gave light rather than the kind that consumed everything in its path. She gasped his name one last time and he followed her, again hiding his face against her neck to muffle his cries.

She didn't rush to get up right away, instead lying there and letting him rest on her. He moved to the side and the bunk was almost too small for them to share it, but they curled up close together. 

Rey wasn't sure what this meant, what any of it meant. He lay against her shoulder, stroking the tangled strands of her hair, and she had no idea how to cope with him. When he was goading and mocking her, she understood what to do, but now…

"Rey?" He sounded drowsy, his fingers moving over her hair again and again. "He's on Mustafar."

"What?" She wasn't sure she was hearing him right.

"Snoke is on Mustafar."

Her first instinct was to jump out of the bed and run immediately to General Organa's quarters. Between this and the Bespin raid (which was probably happening at this very moment, she realized), it could spell the end of the First Order. After what had just transpired between them, though, it seemed rude to leave so fast.

"Go," he said. "I know you want to." When she didn't move, he sat up and pulled her up as well. "You've waited for the information this long, go on. I'll be here when you come back."

"Ben—" 

He quieted her with a kiss. "Go."

Rey pulled her clothes on and pulled her hair back as best she could, knowing full well what it would look like, running out past the guards with her hair undone and streaming around her shoulders.

"I'll come back," she said, then raced out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small bit of author neepery: if you want Kylo/Ben's perspective on everything happening in this fic, the chapter titles are songs that will clue you in. (Except for "Precious Things". That's all Rey.)


	6. Something I Can Never Have

The sun was halfway up the sky and the guards had changed by the time she left him behind. Rey barely took time to wave at Jaxon and Will as she sprinted past. 

She found General Organa talking to her advisors in the command center, waiting on word from Bespin. "Rey? Are you all right?"

Rey realized she must be a bedraggled mess with her half-done hair and exhausted eyes. "Yes. I'm—yes. Can I speak to you? It's urgent."

They stepped away from the others. "What is it, is something wrong?"

"I know where Snoke is. Ben told me."

"Ben…" Something like hope sparked in Leia's eyes and Rey nodded.

"That's what he told me to call him." She couldn't stop smiling, giddy and a little victorious. "I think he's changing. I think he's coming back."

"Rey—I don't know how to thank you. For everything."

"He's the one doing it, not me."

"I think we both know you helped." Leia gave her a knowing look. 

Rey couldn't meet her eyes, and she shrugged. "But now, we can finish this for good, can't we?"

"We have a problem." Leia folded her arms. "Almost our entire fleet is at Bespin. We can't spare anyone to go after Snoke until they get back. We've barely got enough for our own defenses as it is."

"So, we'll get the information first, then go. That should work, shouldn't it?"

"I hope so." A small frown creased Leia's brow. "I have a bad feeling about this." She shook her head, the expression vanished with a smile, and she squeezed Rey's arm. "Go tell Luke. He'll be pleased."

#

Rey caught Luke as he was leaving the mess hall, deep in conversation with one of the pilots that had remained behind. They were talking about the latest X-wing model with plenty of animation, and Rey smiled. She kept forgetting that her teacher had once been a pilot. He waved her over, saying goodbye to the pilot and heading her way.

"He gave up Snoke's location," she said, first thing.

"That's good, it's a good start. Well done, Rey."

Rey paused, and bit at her lower lip nervously. "He wants to be called Ben now."

Luke smiled at her and put an arm around her shoulders for a quick hug, an unusually demonstrative gesture, coming from him. "Another good sign." He looked at her more closely. "But you're troubled."

"I think you were right. He's making this about me. And I don't know how to stop it."

"We've got time, Rey. We can work all of this out with him once Snoke is defeated. Go get some rest, you look worn out." 

"I hope you're right." She tried to smile, but the shadow lingered, like gathering clouds that followed her as she went to her quarters.

#

Four hours later, the storm broke.

Rey startled awake at the sound of people shouting, and ran outside. The TIE fighters seemed to come from out of nowhere. Screaming through the sky overhead, they made a strafing run on one of the X-wing hangars, and before anyone could mount a defense, the hangar was gone in a burst of flames.

The few pilots that remained scrambled to the X-wings that were left. Rey saw Luke among them, shouting commands as they ran. The ground troops came out in the minimal force they had and began setting up the anti-aircraft guns. 

Rey ran for the command center.

"How did they get past the damn shields?" General Organa was shouting amidst the cacophony of voices. "Someone find out for me why the shields were down!"

One of her aides said something Rey didn't quite catch. "We'll figure out how they found us later," the general said. "Get those shields back up before we wind up with troop transports raining down on us!"

"Rey! I'm so glad you're here." Leia had spotted her and waved her over. "I need you to—"

"General?" One of the younger aides, a girl with coiled blond hair interrupted.

"Yes, what is it?"

"I'm sorry. We've traced the order to lower the shields." The aide paused. "It appears to have originated from the terminal in the prison area."

At first Rey thought a bomb had landed near them and the ground had tilted and shifted under her feet. She even grabbed the console to keep from stumbling. Then she noticed that no one else had moved.

"Rey? Rey, are you all right?"

"The prison area," Rey repeated. "No. He wouldn't—I just—" She turned and ran.

"Rey, wait," Leia called. "It's not safe!"

Rey didn't wait.

#

Chaos reigned on D'Qar. 

While TIE fighters screamed overhead chased by X-wings, while blaster bolts flew in every direction, Rey ran for the detention area.

Jaxon and Will were dead, sprawled at their posts. There was no blood, no visible sign of violence, but their eyes were open and bulging. And they'd been dead for hours. 

_I was just_ here _,_ Rey thought desperately. The door to Ben's—not Ben's?—cell was open. And just like that, she knew what had happened. Sometime after she'd gone to the general, he had, for reasons she didn't yet understand, gotten the guards to open his cell and killed them. How long would it take for a First Order squadron to reach D'Qar? A few hours? He'd sent a transmission telling them where he was, and just waited until they arrived to drop the shields.

So she knew the what. Would she ever understand the why?

Where had he gone? Rey reached out for the familiar shape of his mind and found it. Not far, then.

He found her outside one of the burning X-wing hangars, stepping out of the shadows with a stolen blaster in his hand. "Rey."

She drew her lightsaber and ignited it. He was about to learn that she wasn't the untrained, terrified girl he'd first fought. "Ben."

He laughed. "I'm not him. You know I'm not." He was cold and beautiful and she wanted to hate him. "That was just part of the game."

"It wasn't a game!" she shouted over the fighting overhead. "You can try to pretend that it was, but _I saw you_. Why? Why did you call them, why let them in?"

"I wanted to believe in you. I wanted it so much, to believe that you might actually care about me."

"I could have!" Rey protested. "You didn't give me a chance to l—"

"Don't lie to me!" he roared. "Don't ever think you can do that. I saw your mind!"

They drew closer to one another, circling each other. "After you left me this morning," he said, calmer now, "I started thinking. Thinking about what I know about the world. About you." He smiled, and it was the arrogant smile she'd known at the start. "My scavenger. And you know what I realized?"

"Ben, you don't have to do this. We can fix this, we can still be—"

"No!" He cut her off. His blaster was held at the ready, but he wasn't firing. "You may not have grown up with someone to love you, someone to tell you bedtime stories at night, but I did. And I know how this story goes, Rey. The _monster_ never gets the princess. Oh, maybe it seems like he will, for a time, but in the end, the monster goes into the dungeon, and the princess forgets all about him."

"You don't have to be the monster in this story." Rey stayed on her guard. Was he stalling, waiting for backup?

"Don't I? My role was determined a long time ago." Closer still, blaster at the ready. She could see his eyes now, blazing with anger. "I will not rot in a dungeon, Rey. Not even for you. This monster is going to be free."

Perhaps even this morning she'd known on some level that this couldn't last, despite her hope—but she wouldn't give up yet. "Why wait for me then? To kill me?"

"I'm not going to hurt you," he said, and lowered the weapon to the ground. "I wanted to say goodbye."

One last try. "You don't have to say goodbye at all. Come back to your cell—" 

"Rey, look around you. We're winning. My mother knows it. Luke knows it. This base isn't going to be standing much longer." He smiled and her palm itched to slap him, to put him back in his place. It had worked once, it could work again. "There's not going to be a cell for me to go back to."

As if in response, she felt Luke searching for her. _...rey… where are you?_ It came to her like a weak radio transmission. _...evacuation order… are you…_

She powered down her weapon and put it away. "Goodbye then," she said.

"Rey. After everything? That's all? You'll just walk away?"

She wanted to. She couldn't. They stared at each other while the world went to hell around them, then they both started to run, pulled together like magnets, closing the distance. He caught her face in his hands and kissed her hard.

She gave into the feeling one last time, the bond between them, his mind creeping into hers. Felt the darkness around the edges of her own self.

"Come with me," he breathed against her mouth. "Rey, come with me. Think of what we could do, together. We could overthrow even Snoke, you and me."

He was right, she could see it as clear as if it had already happened. They'd be unstoppable. She leaned up and took his mouth hard, biting and rough. It could be like this, always. He would rule the universe and she would rule him. No more self-doubt. No more fear. Only power. 

And she would be lost.

Rey reached up and tangled one hand in his hair, pinning him close to her. He moaned and tried to pull her closer…

Only to be stopped by the hilt of her lightsaber pressed against his chest. 

Kylo Ren looked down, then looked back up at her, a slow, appreciative smile growing on his lips. "Well played." 

Her finger hovered over the activation switch. "Don't make me do this," she pleaded.

"Go ahead. Do it, Rey." His manic eyes caught the light of an explosion behind her, gleaming and red. "Kill the monster. Let me die by your hand."

The temptation was strong. Death would break the bond between them. She could put aside the darkness within her for good. 

Or if she killed him, would it take her over completely?

Rey looked into that abyss for what felt like hours, unable to look away, but unable to take the last step.

She stepped back and shoved him away, hard enough that he stumbled. "Go. Before I change my mind."

He looked as shocked as she felt. "Rey—"

_"Go!"_

He fled into the darkness, giving her one backwards glance as he ran.

Rey picked up the blaster he'd left behind, and ran to find the evacuation transport.

#

Luke stood at the bottom of the transport ramp, looking around worriedly. He visibly sagged when he spotted Rey running toward the ship. 

They boarded the crowded transport, and it took off, leaving D'Qar in flames behind them. 

Rey sat on one of the jump seats, staring straight ahead. She'd _had_ him. One movement of her finger and the Resistance would have been free of one of their worst enemies. But she'd been weak.

She was aware of Luke reaching for her hand, but she didn't acknowledge him. At some point she realized he was calling her name. Drawing a breath, she looked over.

"His choices, Rey. Not yours."

"But if I hadn't—" If she hadn't captured him to start with, if she'd just left him alone, never touched him.

"If you hadn't, he wouldn't have gotten as close to the light as he did." Luke's faded blue eyes fixed her in her seat. "He turned his back on the darkness, even if only for a little while."

"But now we've lost the base, so many people are dead…"

He squeezed her hand. "That's the nature of war, Rey." 

"Luke, I had a chance to kill him."

"I'm glad you didn't. Now there's still hope." Her surprise must have shown, because he chuckled at her. "You'll see one another again, of that I have no doubt." 

"So we keep trying to kill each other, over and over again, until one of us wins?" Despair rose in her throat, forming a lump. "How is that right?"

"No, Rey." Luke smiled at her gently. "You keep giving him the chance to save himself. And one day, he will. Have faith." He put his arm around her and she gave in, resting her head against his shoulder and closing her stinging eyes.

_Have faith._ She could do that. _Faith_.


End file.
